Saturday, April 5, 2008

Anxiety is getting the best of me.

Nothing can be more frightening or make your heart race, than leaving a message on a stranger's voicemail that's potentially going to watch your newborn full-time. We still have no day care set in place. Nathan and I know we can't afford a Day Care Center because it cost anywhere between $600-800 dollars a week (insert a jawdrop). That's DOUBLE our mortgage payment JUST for daycare. That doesn't include the extra money for health insurance, diapers/wipes/clothes/food, etc. Are you feeling my anxiety yet? So our other option that's not as much money is finding a Family Day care where you take your child to someone's home and they have a limited amount of children they watch. This could run anywhere between $400-500 a week. Still more than we can afford, but not as bad. I've left messages for several prospects today so hopefully they'll call me back ASAP.
I can just picture myself crying my eyes out as I drop off our son on my first day back to work. You're forced to trust your precious infant to a total stranger. Nathan and I have recently discussed what it would cost if I had the option to work part-time at work and only have our son go to day care twice a week. We're looking at it from all angles. How I wish I could stay home with him...sigh.

This week, I'll be 28 weeks pregnant! That's 7 months preggers, and in my third trimester. Our boy is growing so much and moving like you would not believe. We wonder what he looks like, what his personality will be and what will he take interest in. We talk to him all the time, especially at night when he's awake and most active. The other night we played the flash light game where you turn off all of the lights, turn a flashlight on and place it on my belly. It definitely caught his attention because he was moving and kicking a lot. So much so that we started feeling bad and stopped. Greeeat, here's mommy and daddy torturing this poor child with a bright light in his face!

I've definitely been more emotional lately. Things seem to bother me a bit more than normal. Whether it's how a coworker talks, the way my husband chews his food, or how slow someone is driving in front of me, I seem to be bothered. I think it's a mixture of me worrying about not selling our home, not finding a suitable day-care, making decisions about finding a pediatrician that shares our beliefs about certain health care opinions, labor and delivery and having enough money to afford a child.

What helps ease my mind is when I feel Baby M moving and kicking. I smile as I rub my stomach in all directions hoping that he feels me caress him through my stomach wall. "Mommy is here and I'm grateful for you. I love you so much and I can't wait to meet you." I'm much more calm after our connection.

Nothing is more precious to me or more amazing than to feel him moving inside of me. It's as if he's saying, "Mommy, I'm here and it's going to be OK. I hear your voice everyday and the sound of your heartbeat soothes me to sleep. I can't wait to meet you and daddy."


Lindsay said...

This is so sweet - it made me cry. The last little stretch is definitely the most stressful, and you guys have a lot on your plate. But, trust me - everything will work out. You are so lucky to have Nathan and Baby M, and they are infinitely lucky to have you. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to tell you, your prior blog - the memory loss is during both pregnancy & nursing, and gets worse with each child. i think that it gets better if you are neither pregnant nor nursing, but unfortunately i have not had enough time to verify that fact. :) there are days i am not sure i know my own name....

as for the day care, that must be so stressful! i am so glad nathan takes such good care of you - it helps a LOT. we will be praying that God gives you a good solution that is workable for you. i know charlotte is a long way to be from home & family, but you are always welcome down here - i do not envy the northern mortgage payments!!

and i love your blogs! they are so fun & sweet to read. you will be a fabulous mom!

katherine maugel fain

Jennifer said...

Ah, the dichotomy of motherhood. Well, parenthood. More stress and anxiety than you have ever known. Yet more simplicity and easy joy as well.

Sounds like you guys are holding strong and have your heads in the right places, as always!